A Mother's Confession: Of Sorrow and Joy (Part 1)

So much has transpired. . .spiritually, emotionally, physically. . .Where do I begin? I want to share this. . .it may be broken, fragmented, too long, no pictures, but I need to let it out...may God bless someone else who knows this road I've traveled--may He be glorified.

In the Spring of 2010, the Lord allowed my husband and I to conceive. We were excited in many ways, but for many of the wrong reasons. Let me be clear that we wanted each and every child we were blessed to conceive, however, my heart wasn't altogether right. You see, I thought I had something to do with it. Yes, I know, of course I did, but to a very limited extent. Besides my Husband and I joining intimately as one, the rest is up to God.

However, I always thought I could control things. . .control when and where we'd be intimate so I could conceive when I thought I was most fertile. Plan and date and look at calendars on the best times to try, you know, when we were ready. I received and accepted the advice that my children must be "x" number of years apart, so I planned for that. "Eat a special diet, stay away from certain things, stand on your head after intimacy. . .you're sure to conceive." Without going into all the details (at least for now) of the many ways I tried to control things (because there were many ways), I think you get the picture.

So, again, back to the Spring of 2010, my 4th pregnancy was underway and there I was. Thankful to God for my baby, but so sure and so smug that it had something to do with me. And so I began to plan and day dream of all the wonderful benefits I would receive because I had become pregnant. You know, extra back rubs, the random trips for ice cream, the attention from strangers:--Oh, congratulations, dear!--the shopping for baby clothes, the baby showers (where even more attention is thrown my way!), what I thought others would think of me, etc. {Don't get me wrong, new life should be celebrated, however, as I stated before, my heart wasn't altogether right--there was too much me, not enough Him.}

But then on Easter night, it happened--pain, muscle spasms so bad, I could barely stand. I was dizzy, light-headed and in pain. We went to urgent care, inside I was panicking. . .never once did I plan for this to happen to me. How could it? I'd been so careful and so sure! The doctors said I was too early to examine via ultrasound to check on my baby. I asked, but they wouldn't. Instead, they ordered blood tests and after hours of waiting, the pain and spasms began to subside. Since I had no bleeding and my pregnancy hormone levels were normal, the doctors sent me home with well wishes, it was probably just gas, they said. You know, gas can be pretty impressive, they told me.

I went home still thinking that I was pregnant. I had all the same symptoms--nausea, fatigue, a funny taste in my mouth. No cramping, no bleeding, no pain. Two weeks later, I went to see my doctor for a routine appointment. It was horrible. I saw my little tiny baby on the ultrasound screen, and before my doctor said a word, I knew. I'd had 3 other children and I knew to look for that cursor-sized heart beat on the black and white image of my baby. There wasn't one. I looked at my doctor's face and could see the concern brewing in her eyes and she finally uttered--I can't find a heart beat; there's no heart beat.

I was devastated and in complete disbelief. This had never happened before, so what did I do wrong? How could I have prevented this? How could it happen to me? What ensued for the next 9 months was a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of questions. I grieved, hard, oh, did I grieve. Even now there are moments, seemingly from nowhere, where the thought of having lost a baby will leave me doubled over in tears. My husband was sad, my children were sad, my parents were sad. It was so sad. The only way I could make it, to climb out of my pool of sadness, was to be honest with myself and turn to the Lord.

I kept asking, praying, wondering, questioning, pleading--Lord, why? What did I miss? What are my issues? What are my true feelings? What do You say about it--all of it? What could I have done differently? During those hard 9 months, the Lord began to birth something new in me. I certainly looked at my 3 children with brand new eyes, now knowing first hand just how delicate a matter it is to actually hold a baby in my womb. I also realized how haughty, how selfish, how inconsiderate I had been. I realized anew just how blessed I am to be called "Mommy," it's priceless and is such a gift. And with humility and prayer, I approached my Husband about my heart's condition and issues with control. And come to find out, the Lord was mending our hearts in this area.

We talked and he got it; he understood where I was and where I'd been. He shared his thoughts, times when "his hand was in the pot" as he would say--times when he hadn't asked God first. We laughed, cried, prayed, talked. I couldn't believe how foolish I had been. Here I was headed into our 10th year of marriage with all this, this stuff. How many blessings had I missed over the years because of my attitude? My Husband replied, "Stacie, some times the Lord waits until we mature in an area before He reveals things to us. Where we were 10 years ago--we probably wouldn't have been able to handle it all." He is right.

****Click here to read Part 2****

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  1. Oh Precious One,
    What an incredible testimony to His Faithfulness. Your heart is so very beautiful and your words are so filled with Truth and Love. I cannot even image how hard it must have been to have to go through the loss of your baby. May He bless you richly for sharing your incredible journey of Faith. Thank you so much.

    Would you possibly consider sharing this with my little link-up on Friday (Pages in Our Heritage of Faith)? If you'd rather not, it's just fine. You are Loved!

  2. Oh, Stacie! The exact thing happened to me more than 12 years ago...with our first child. It's a long story, but the situation - where the baby had died without any real symptoms (except for ones I could see in hindsight) - was the same. The Lord has carried me through it and taught me much...but I still grieve for my girls' big sister, who should be here with us. If I didn't know I'd see her in Heaven, it would be too much even now - but thank God I have that assurance...and that you do, too. ((hugs))

  3. Hi Anne,

    Thank you for your kindness. I don't think I'd mind sharing this--I want Him to receive every bit of glory He is due. Thank you for the ways you share your faith on your blog; you are a huge inspiration to me.

  4. Hi Tina,

    I remember reading your story on your blog. It is quite painful. But, I must say that my first glimpse of healing was knowing that I'd see my baby in Heaven. . .blessed assurance. God bless you and your family, Tina.

  5. Stacie, sooo sorry for your loss. Even though I haven't experienced a miscarriage, I am guilty of thinking "I" am in control.

    Thank you for sharing.

  6. Hi Gertha,

    Thank you for your sweet words. Take care, friend.


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