A Mother's Confession: Of Sorrow and Joy (Part 2)
****If you haven't yet, please click here to read Part 1 to get the full story****
In January of 2011, my husband and I made some decisions. Some new, some uncomfortable, some unpopular, but all exciting because they were the same--we decided to let go. . . let go of control, which my dear Husband has always said is nothing but an illusion. As one song says, "leave things up to Him Who is capable of knowing that victory is in His name!" Victory is in His Name, His will, His plan, His ways, His timing, not mine.
We forged ahead, without plans. It was difficult, it was uncertain, it was hard--what is this strange land of leaving things up to Him Who is certainly more than capable? We decided that we would praise God and be all the more thankful for the children God has given us. If He said 3 children was it, then thank You Lord that we have 3 children. If He said we would conceive again, then thank You Lord that You are allowing us the opportunity.We even thanked God (as crazy as it sounds) for the baby we lost, along with all of the struggles and for the pain. Thank You, Lord. We asked forgiveness for our inconsideration and ignorance, our thoughts when couples had no children yet, being so consumed with our own growing family while others grieved over the loss of a baby, or were unable to conceive. We couldn't see because we were self-focused--too much me, not enough Him.
What if I had never changed my perspective? I am certainly not saying that God allowed the miscarriage simply to punish me--that's not it at all. However, He used the situation to cultivate, to grow, to heal, to make me more sensitive in this area. It was all Him. In my despair, I could turn to no one but Him--He heard my cry and showed me my heart. Thank You Lord.
One day in April 2011, about 2 weeks before Easter, we found out that we had been blessed to conceive again. Tears, joy, amazement, shock--because we hadn't planned it, we weren't consumed with it, we weren't scheming. . .God did it. Because of our last experience, my husband and I literally took it one. day. at. a. time. Before, we had bragged, joked, told any and everyone. . . hey, look what we did! This time, lips sealed, and hearts bursting with gratitude. We wanted to remain humble, we wanted to remain in His will, we wanted to be cautious.
As time progressed, we slowly began to share the news here and there with family and friends. It felt so strange when someone asked me, when are you due? what are you having? will you have more? Before, I had an answer to all of those questions because I knew what I had planned. This time I felt like, I can't believe they're asking me this! What does it matter when I'm due, or if it's a boy or girl, or if the Lord will give me more or not? What does that matter when He had blessed me to be pregnant 5 times, when he's let 3 children be born so far, when He has blessed me to make it this time to 7 weeks, 10 weeks, 3 months, 5 months? One. day. at. a. time. I am thankful for every day, for every moment.
The random Oh! Congrats, honey! from women in the grocery store feels so weird! How did she know I was pregnant? (Quite possibly from the rounded tummy and the semi-waddling around!?!?) What I'm trying to say is, I'm not seeking that attention--before I just basked in it. I don't want the here, let me get that for you or how are you feeling or let's talk all about me being pregnant. I don't want that, I don't want the praise--it all belongs to Him! So, that my friends, is why it has taken me quite some time to share this with all of you.
Even in the midst of the joy and relief we feel of letting the Lord have His way, satan has tried to whisper lies, doubt, uncertainty--we saw "this" on the ultrasound and couldn't see "that," wow! you're going to have 4 kids--that's a lot to handle, did you just always want a big family, you know you're getting closer to 35 . . .but to God be the glory. As my Husband says over and over again, thank You God for whatever You give me, because I know it is from You. . .it's up to Him, Stacie.
We are well aware that "any thing" can happen; pain knows no strangers. But, we are so thankful that we've made it this far. One. day. at. a. time. I rejoice in the God of my salvation, how He has allowed my womb to cradle a life once again, Thank You, Lord. I don't take one moment for granted. I can't explain it, I don't know all of the whys, but what I do know is that God is amazing and that I have to trust in Him and Him alone.
If God be willing, we will welcome a son into our home sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas--I know that's a pretty general time frame. Although my doctor has given me a "due date" you have to understand, that for me, continuing to put a "date" on things is a reminder--remnants--of wanting to control things that are not in my hands. I have to take it one. day. at. a. time.
That was a lot to share, but God is so faithful. I am thankful for the ways in which He matures me, my husband, my family. I am not perfect; I will fail. However, it feels good to let go, let God, and enjoy the ride. . .the gift. . .the testimony I can share with my children about the ways the Lord changed my heart for them.
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