What Comes First?
As homeschool mamas, we have a ton of things pulling us in different directions:
marriage, women’s ministries, co-op duties, homemaking, volunteering, homeschooling, child-rearing and the list goes on. At times, we feel stressed, we feel overwhelmed, we feel inadequate, just like anyone else doing whatever work it is they do all day. So, what do you do to handle it all?The answer is simple and you may be like, “Stacie, really?!” But here we go. . .
P R I O R I T I Z E
Put your house in order by putting things (including people!) in their proper places. Your own four walls is where you begin:
God First
This seems like a cliche these days, but as Believers, we must take Him at His Word:
You shall have no other gods before Me.
-Exodus 20:3
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
-Jeremiah 29:11-13
Husband Next
Your husband is above all other earthly relationships. Period. Many times, others tend to hint that your man shouldn’t be that high on the list or maybe they feel offended that they have to “take a back seat” so to speak. Nip that in the bud as soon as possible and choose your husband first, over and over. When you said “I do” he won 1st place then, and everyone else is totally out of the running now, that includes moms and best friends.
Remember that for the Christian, marriage is not merely some contract, some flitting arrangement that you keep if you feel like it. Rather, it is a lasting covenant, a sacred agreement, a faithful promise between three: you, your husband, and God, meant for a lifetime. That is weighty, is it not? Remember that you and your husband are one, a great mystery (Ephesians 5:22-33), but true nonetheless. When you seek his good, you seek your good. So, nurture your relationship with your husband, feed it and water it daily. It doesn’t always have to be some show-stopping action because the little things add up and mean the most: his favorite meal, holding hands, asking his opinion first, a genuine smile, eye contact. And above all, call his name out in prayer, place him before the Father daily: his walk with Christ, his leadership, his decision-making, his weaknesses, his successes. Build your husband up in prayer and by paying attention to him.
Children
Mamas, often we tend to put the children in slot 2 where they don’t belong. Of course newborns and some toddler needs must be met before anyone can do anything else, but I think you know what I mean. The overall idea is that children come after husband and teaching this truth to your children is a great blessing, as they grow and learn what a Christian marriage looks like.
Be the mom that pays attention to her children, and go for their hearts. Pray for each child daily, assess what their needs are. Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit for each individual child, because I’m here to tell you that siblings aren’t always alike and what one child needs can be vastly different from what another one needs.
Homeschooling is a sub-category here, as it is part of what we do with our children each day and if you’ve done it for any length of time, you know it becomes a way of life. Make schedules, keep routines, set boundaries, give the children responsibilities in the home, require that they meet a standard you know they can achieve, and love them. Shower them with huge doses of loving affection and praise for a job well done. Remember, you are mama before teacher. And above all else, show them how to love God with all their hearts.
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:4-5
House Work
Next up are housekeeping/homemaking duties. Sometimes these two terms are looked at as identical, and in many ways they are, since the end goal is the same: a functional and peaceful home. However, I think of it sometimes in this way. Housekeeping includes those tasks, born out of love and sacrifice for your family, that keep the house afloat: dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, etc. Homemaking is the feminine, artistic expression of that love, the attention to detail, where you leave your personal touch in every area of the home: decorating, organizing, flowers in a vase, new curtains, pictures in a frame, inviting scents, the throw on the back of recliner, etc. Both work together to make a welcoming haven, a safe place to love and grow.
Again, make schedules, keep routines, make lists, and keep track. Don't give way to a habit of idleness, but be diligent and fond of looking after your home.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Proverbs 31:27
Everything Else
The categories above are our first priorities, Ladies. Everything else follows after them. Whatever we routinely place in this slot, must be compatible with our first duties. Here is where we must choose wisely. Whether it is a recurring event, like a weekly Bible study or a random lunch date with a friend, if your house is in order, you can enjoy any other commitments comfortably, because you’re confident that the folks at home are good.
Some seasons in life may mean you only have space for 1 or 2 outside commitments. Other seasons may mean you can take on way more and amaze yourself. And, if we are really honest, there are many days when we have to say “no” to the extras and rest in the peace that word brings. Remember, your circumstances are likely to look different than the next woman’s, so don’t covet her position. Embrace the place you’re in and thrive right there.
Now that I’ve got that straight, it’s time for me to go apply my words to my own household! How do you prioritize in your home? Is it difficult to say no to others for the good of your family?
Also posted at Our Homeschool Forum.
In some ways I've struggled with keeping my home in order (mostly emotionally), I would find myself trying to be there for everyone else, and it was draining. That season felt like it lasted forever. I prayed and prayed, and slowly I found my way back home. It's hard for me not to listen or help when possible. I do feel like we should be there for people outside of our families, but like you said we have to have our households in order first and not allow other stuff to overshadow our families.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful to be in a better place where I can listen without trying to fix the problem.
Latonya, thank you for sharing that. Saying "no" or "not right now" or "may be later" can be hard to do when people need help. I completely agree that being there for others and helping in ways outside of our homes is extremely important to our witness as followers of Christ. However, balance is key. Your choice to seek the Lord on the matter was such a wise one, because He is faithful to show us the way we should go.
DeleteI also think that the expectations people have of mothers outside of the home needs to be readjusted or re-evaluated, even within the Body of Christ. Many women feel badly because they couldn't participate or get as involved in something as the next woman. And, I think, why even place that type of pressure or her when we, as Believers, should be more sensitive to a woman's calling in her home. I don't know, just more of my rambling thoughts! As always, thank you for your friendship and support here in my little corner of the blogging world.
It's not rambling. There's a lot to unpack, but a lot comes from the culture. There's so many distractions, and there's also the circumstances we can't see in each woman's home and the choices that have to be made daily.
DeleteI've been working through not seeing everyone's stories as being paralleled. We each have our own path. Some may run side by side while others will intersect. Coming to an understanding of this has helped me to embrace my life more. I think that's key. Often, we're looking around even when we aren't trying to compare, judge, etc.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)
In my earlier days, I struggled. I was home before having children. It was so ingrained in me to be able to take care of myself. I know the pressure for my moms to do so much is from the culture.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I really have a stance because needs of families change. I do believe moms need time and space to care and nurture for their families. I have also noticed that some husbands really do need their wives help regarding income. When I went to teach, it was for my husband and myself. I struggled with those pressures you mentioned even though I had been home for 8 years, and my husband was underemployed after being laid off.I guess my stance is we each have to be in tuned with our own families and know why we're making our choices.
I've been looking at life less paralleled with others and more with eyes of recognizing we each have our own race.
Most of my time goes to my family, but I enjoy teaching, writing, and sharing too. I am grateful I am able to do those things while staying home in my own timing.
I wrote a response yesterday and accidentally deleted it. :( Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I definitely agree with you, that much of the pressure comes from the culture. And one thing I've learned is that it isn't often that society's rules line up with God's Word and His plan for us. I do completely agree that families will have their various needs and no two families will look the same. And oh, yes! Those daily decisions that women have to make in their homes that no one else can see--whew! I am a witness!!!!
DeleteI think it is always important to reference what God's Word says (in everything) and let that be the standard or the measuring stick by which we live. From what I gather from the Scriptures, I don't believe that women of God were ever meant to feel torn or be at odds with what their role is or what it is they are to choose: stay at home vs. work, career vs. children, worldly success vs. homemaking, self-seeking vs. marriage, etc. That pressure, that uncertainty, that feeling torn, that being confused. . .it is not of God.
No matter what our outside ventures may be, they should not come at the expense of our primary assignment as women of God, as wives and mothers. Duties to the home should not take a back seat with disdain or indifference, and I see so many women (Christian wives) with that attitude.
Now, this doesn't mean that there aren't outliers or special circumstances--we live in a fallen world and so there will be situations that are tangled up and messy and are difficult to iron out. Those must be dealt with case by case, and prayerfully. Even then, we don't lose sight of what the ultimate goal is, you know?
I don't think that those special situations are as plentiful as people generally think they are. They DEFINITELY exist, but honestly, I think that there is an overwhelming mind-set, almost a group-think, in our culture that takes women right out of where they were meant to thrive and plops us outside of our domain, and the culture has accepted it, and then we see some within The Body of Christ doing the same. Everyone of us has been touched by it, and it has its roots in feminism.
The various waves of feminism did include some good (like equal pay or voting rights, for example), but in large part, it brought about so much damage and brokenness to the home and the mindset of women about home and family life, and it has infiltrated The Church. So instead of teaching the truth of Scripture, we begin taking our cues from the culture, which is just as shifty and shady as all get out! (LOL--my southern roots are showing up in my words!)
I'm not talking helping a husband for a season, I'm not talking really needing to take on a job because there is no other provision, I'm not talking making ends meet. I'm talking irreverance, indifference, sometimes ignorance, and often a flat-out rejection of what God's plan is for the role of woman, wife and mother.
I am NOT saying that a woman can never pursue an interest of her own, or have time alone from her children or husband, or never have a moment to herself. (I do think the culture has heightened the need for "me time" or "doing you" for sure.) But we are human, and each of us needs some solitude and an outlet of self expression. But proper perspective is key. As believers, we are called to a life of sacrifice. As Elisabeth Elliot says, we are to be broken bread and poured out wine for the good of others. And we begin at home first.
As you can see, this is a soapbox for me. :) It is something I probably could talk about for years at a time. LOL! I guess what I'm saying is, as Believers, we already have our guidelines and taking cues from this world is what gets us all out of sorts and confused and unsure. And I know, it's easier said than done, but we must be diligent, myself included.
Okay, friend! Thank you for engaging in a conversation with me on this topic. It is very dear to my heart. God bless you, Latonya!
This was so good! Sorry it took me awhile to come back to read it.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading it, I felt like I need to have a real time conversation with you. LOL! Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it all.