Before I continue, please don't confuse hard with being unhappy. I have a Savior, Who walks with me and talks with me, and wraps me up in His love daily. I have a great husband who is committed to me and our children, but most importantly, he's committed to God. And, the Lord has granted us the awesome task of raising up 6 children for Him. Happy? Yes. Blessed? Indeed. Hard? Absolutely.
I am in the thick of things, in the trenches of a very busy stage. Days and nights run together and before I know it, a month has gone by. I fall asleep in the middle of checking emails or grading papers. My sweet baby girl still wakes me at night to nurse, most times, more than once. There's soccer and/or swimming every day except Friday and Sunday for the older 3. My "preschool crew" has so much energy that I wish I had just a tenth of it so I could get myself together. Right now, my family needs me fiercely, in a way they won't need me 15 years from now. And, I have to dig way deep and remember that one day, the fruit, a glorious harvest, will come.
Some days I feel like Eve. Eve had no example, no woman to tell her how to love her husband and children. No woman to show her how to be a keeper of her home and how to raise little ones. No one carved a path out that she could follow. I get it. In our extended families, I'm the only one who stays at home (both my mother and MIL are working women), the only one to homeschool, the only one with "that many" kids. . . I love that God has called me to this life, this life of giving myself in service to my family, the people I love most. But, I keep thinking, wouldn't it be easier if someone else I know, I mean really know, had done it first?
And, in the middle of all my run-on thoughts and whispered prayers, I get the comment from the lady in the grocery store who tells me that although my kids are well-behaved, I'm brave for taking 6 kids grocery shopping. Really? Brave? Me? I'm here because we have to eat, Ma'am, not because I'm brave.
Here's the thing: I'm not more special, more holy, more patient, more righteous, more wifely or more motherly than the next lady out there. I don't have an S on my chest, no magic powers, and it is so clear that I don't know everything. I long to be mentored by some legendary, but real-life Proverbs 31/Titus 2 Woman, all wrapped up in one, who could literally take me by the hand, sit with me, pray with me, and teach me each day. I wish I could talk to my grandmothers (who are both resting with Jesus) and ask them how they dug deep to show the love of Christ in the midst of staying at home, dirty diapers, washing laundry, submission to a husband, conflicting schedules and making dinner on time, among other things.
By His grace, I'm committed to honoring my husband, to follow his lead, to love him, to help him, to care for him and build him up, showing him that after God, he comes first.
By His grace, I'm committed to showing these 3 girls what godly womanhood looks like. That homemaking is not secondary work, that if they come home from working or start out at home from the top of their marriages, they have not wasted their time or education, that fulfilling and profound work can be found in their own homes.
By His grace, I'm committed to showing these 3 boys the type of wife they want to pray for, how a godly woman will do them good and not evil, why they'd want to cherish her and love her like Christ loves His church.
This path I'm carving may be rocky and roughly hewn, it may be imperfect with twists and turns. But, this is the work He has given my hands to do. So, I yield to Him. And, when I yield myself to the will of the Lord, things will fall into place.
Afterall, He is the One who makes straight the crooked places.
I'm trusting Him to do just that. Daily I'm depending on Him, leaning on Him, pressing into Him, and clinging to Him with all my might. It's hard, but it's right were I'm supposed to be.